Secrets I Have Held In My Heart
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: What if Ryan hadn't listened to Marissa and instead he had left on the fishing boat? A month later he is back and him and Marissa are left picking up the pieces. Ryan/Marissa. One-shot. Post 3x05


**A/N: New one shot. Yes, I do have terrible concentration span on one thing. Anyway, hope this is alright fic. Warning for language and sex.  
**

**Read and review as ever. Reviews really are the greatest. :)**

* * *

_Secrets I have held in my heart_

_Are harder to hide than I thought_

_Maybe I just wanna be yours_

_I wanna be yours_

'I Wanna Be Yours' - Arctic Monkeys

His shirt was wrinkled and the faint scent of fish lingered on his jacket. The leather was worn out, the cuffs were scuffed. He looked at her with a worn out expression, expectant of rejection. She remained still, absorbing his appearance. Behind him, the loud intruding voices of the crew rung through. Beside her Seth and Summer stood awkwardly, trying to take their prying eyes away from the couple before them while at the same time being gripped with curiosity. Marissa kept looking at him, her lip trembled and she thought she might burst into tears. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came. He stared at her helplessly, his eyes pleading with her. She sucked a deep breath and approached him tentatively and then at once, fell into his arms. Nervously, he pulled her closer and she clung to him. His hand went to tangle itself in her hair and he buried his head into her shoulder. Seth and Summer watched in silence and in fascination. When Marissa loosened her grip, he drew away, though his hand could not move from her hip. She tilted her head and saw Seth and Summer and wished for once that they would just leave. Their guilty eyes shot away and Ryan suggested they head to the car. His hand fell away and went to pick up his bags. Marissa turned and walked to the car.

The drive to the Cohen's house had little conversation. Marissa slumped to the side, looking out of the window while Ryan's gaze kept on her. Occasionally, her eyes flickered to him but quickly they averted themselves. He sighed and wondered what she was thinking. Sandy and Kirsten greeted him with delight but he felt despairing. Eventually, once sufficient fuss was made, he retired to the poolhouse. He buried his face in his hands and thought whether the mess he had created with Marissa was within repair. There was a tap on the door and then the click of the lock turning.

"Not now Seth." he grumbled.

"It's me." the quiet voice said. His head shot up and he saw her standing there, biting her lip tentatively. She fiddled with her fingers and struggled to look him in the eye. He moved closer to her.

"Marissa…I'm so sorry." he told her. She shut her eyes and then stepped forward.

"Ryan…" she began. Her eyes were wet, the burgeoning tears evident. He reached forward, incapable of doing nothing, and wiped away the few stray tears.

"I'm sorry." he said again, this time their foreheads brushed. She placed her hands on to his shoulders and felt the muscular lines which had grown more defined over the last month. Her fingers curled so that his shirt was balled up into her fists. Surprising him completely, she kissed him hard. He stumbled as she pushed them on to the bed. He wanted to ask what was she doing. But she was sitting over him, straddling him against her hips and kissing him fervently; he was compelled by desire. His hands pushed seamlessly up her shirt, absorbed the feel of her soft skin and rubbed her breasts. She pulled away momentarily and pulled the shirt over her head. His shirt was quickly unbuttoned and without hesitation she unbuckled his belt and pulled down his trousers and boxers. He was pushed flat against the bed, the breath almost knocked out of him when she kissed him again. Her skirt was hitched up and her underwear removed as she plunged into him. Their bodies rocked together, their breathing ragged and their composure discarded. It was hard, it was fast and nothing like any of their previous experiences together. She slumped against him afterwards and he held her tightly. He brushed the strands of hair, which stuck to her sweat glazed face, to the side. For the first time, they stared directly into each other's eyes. He leant forward, cupped her face, and kissed her once more. She relaxed into his embrace and rested her head against his shoulder.

"I'm glad you are back." she whispered.

* * *

He came to see her at school for lunch. It was a surprise and immediately he thought it was a bad idea. She was with Johnny (he had nearly forgotten his name). She was laughing at something he said and the laughter shook her body so her arm bumped against his. He caught Johnny turning to look at her with a glint in his eye and a smile on his face. Clearly, he was in love with her.

Ryan stepped into their line of sight and he watched as her eyes clouded, in that way he had now become accustomed to.

"Hey." he greeted her weakly.

"Hey." She smiled lightly and kissed his cheek. His heart fluttered at the gesture.

"Did you want to get lunch?"

She paused, glanced at Johnny and then gave her reply.

"Sure."

She apologised to Johnny for ditching him, who feigned nonchalance, and she hugged him goodbye. As they walked out of her school, Ryan placed his hand on her back, before throwing Johnny a cursory glance back.

They were sitting outside, at the Crab Shack, nearly finished with their lunch. He debated and then decided to hell with it. He couldn't possibly make things worse with the two of them.

"You and Johnny seem close." he said. She looked at him, somewhat wildly. His insinuation seeped through.

"We _are_ close." she said. He winced and knew she had intended for the words to bite. Suddenly, he snapped. This whole thing was getting ridiculous.

"Do you even want to be with me?" he demanded. Her eyes widened and her temper flared.

"Of course I want to fucking be with you."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"Well now you know what it felt like when you decided to spend a month on a fucking fishing boat."

"This is not fair Marissa. You know I," he sighed, "I regret that."

"You still left. You _left_. You _said_ we were going to stick together. This whole fucking year. And then you left."

"I didn't leave _you._" She looked at him and did a little shake of her head like his words were meaningless. It got to him. "You know what Marissa, I am tired of your fucking shit. You were going to leave me just a few weeks before. You were moving to Hawaii permanently and I was going away for a few months."

"I was moving to be with my family, it's not the same thing." She breathed in and shook her head once more. He watched her stand up, take some money out of her purse and place it on the table. Her voice lacking any emotion, she told him, "I need to get back to class."

He was silent at first but then as she walked past him, he spoke up.

"I had my reasons too you know." She stops, though doesn't respond. "I left for a reason."

She turned and he saw she had started crying. She quickly wiped her tears away.

"What reason, Ryan? I want to understand, I'm trying to but I can't. So please, tell me."

He couldn't tell her, not like this. Over lunch with all these strangers milling around them. He cannot tell her because those months away didn't help him at all. He confronted nothing and spent most of his time agonising over her. Now she was demanding answers and Trey's ghost resurfaced to haunt him. He felt a revulsion in him rise, further and further, and he thought he might throw up.

"I...I…" he stammered. His shoulders slumped and his head collapsed onto his hands, revelling in defeat. This was it, he decided, this was where he lost her.

"Ryan." he heard her whisper and then her footsteps approaching him. A chair scraped against the stony ground and he sensed her take a seat next to him. She placed both her hands on his and tried to pull them towards her. "Ryan." she said once more. Her voice was gentle and soothing. He gave way and she held his hands in her lap. He looked up at her with tired eyes and offered his silent apology. "It's okay." she told him and he averted his gaze. It quite clearly was not okay. This was killing them.

"I can't explain right now." he said. His heart started to beat faster and he felt like there was a deficiency of air. He forced himself to look her in the eye. "I need some more time. Just time."

"Time." she repeated and he nodded. As if a month away on a boat hadn't been enough time. He waited for her to tell him that. Instead she kissed him on the cheek. "Okay, you can have time." He blinked and she moved her lips across to lightly kiss the corner of his mouth. "C'mon, you can drive me back to school."

* * *

When they are back in the school car park, no students could be seen. Ryan checked his watch; they were 10 minutes past the end of lunch.

"Sorry I made you late." Ryan said. Marissa shrugged.

"I'm not missing very much." She took out her phone and pressed some numbers. "Hey Johnny, yeah it's me. Yeah, everything's fine, look, can I ask you a favour? Can you tell the teacher I was feeling really sick so I went home. You will? Thank you so much! I really owe you. Um, yeah, I'm with Ryan. Yeah, we are just catching up on a few things. Well thanks again. I'll see you tomorrow." When she finished the conversation, she noticed he had been watching intently.

"You didn't have to skip class altogether."

"Like I said, I'm not missing very much." He looked at her unconvinced. She elaborated, "We are doing the American Civil War and I already did it last year. 100% on the final paper in fact."

He smirked. "Show off."

"You asked for it."

"So where do you want to go?"

"Poolhouse?"

"No good, Sandy will be home."

"My place?"

"As in Summer's?"

"No one will be home, save the step-monster but she is usually too sedated to notice any human activity."

He laughs lightly and agrees "Alright." As he pulled out of the car park, he asked her, "Are you sure about this?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes." And everyone thought Ryan was the bad boy.

As if on cue, her phone vibrated and she saw a text from Johnny.

"'Teacher bought it, you are in the clear.'" she recited the message to Ryan. "See, nothing to worry about." But the message did nothing to relax Ryan, rather it caused him to tense up further.

"What happened to his girlfriend? Johnny's."

Startled by the question, she said warily, "They broke up." She watched his agitated profile and began again, speaking softly. "There's nothing going on between me and him."

"I know," Ryan huffed, "you guys just seem...close."

"When you were gone, I talked to him. We did become close."

"Talk about what?"

Marissa hesitated. "A lot of things. You, missing you, being without you." Her voice became quieter. " I told him about last summer, about what happened. He had gone through something similar with his dad."

"You told him about Trey?" His tone was somewhere between hurt, betrayal and terror.

"Not everything but yes, some of it." He didn't comment. "You weren't there, Ryan." she protested quietly. "I needed someone to talk to."

He sighed. God, he had fucked things up when he left. And then it really dawned on him. He had left her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. If the memories of Trey were bothering him, how could he have not realised they must be destroying her as well.

"I should have been there. You shouldn't have been alone, shouldn't have had to turn to him." he blurted out, his voice at an edge.

"No." she said simply. He looked at her with a tortured expression. "But it's okay."

He shook his head.

"It's not."

"Ryan, pull over." Marissa said calmly.

"What? Why?" Ryan immediately questioned.

"Because I don't want to have this conversation while we are driving down the freeway." After a moment's hesitation, he pulled the car over to the side of road. There were few cars passing through the road and to his right there was the genteel murmur of the ocean. Ryan rested his head on the head-rest and looked blankly onwards. His fists were clenched tightly on the steering wheel.

"Why aren't you angry anymore?" he said. "Why is it suddenly 'okay'?"

Marissa was silent and then she started to speak.

"I was angry at you for not being there. I needed you so badly and you weren't there." Ryan winced at her words. She noticed and he felt her hands grab hold of his. "But I forgot, with all my anger and resentment, that you need me too. And God, I need you too. We both need each other right now and this stupid, _stupid, _fight that is going is ruining everything and that's kind of my fault." Her voice shook and he knew tears of some form were inevitable. He looked at her and his face was scrunched up, almost out of pain. It was like all his suffering over the last few weeks, maybe even since the summer, was finding a release. She leant forward and held his face in her hands, and looked at him with equal sorrow. "I want you back, I don't want to fight, I just want you back."

He didn't wait long. She was quickly in his arms and he was kissing her like it was both their first and final kiss. Their lips broke apart and he fought to catch his breath.

"Are we good?" he managed.

"We're good."


End file.
